Miscarriage- The Elephant in the Room

Recently, a friend of mine asked me to pray for a friend of hers. Her friend was experiencing her third miscarriage. She sees a specialist and really felt hopeful that this time the baby would live and her dream of being a mom would come true. In a matter of moments, that dream once again began to unravel. Holding back tears of my own, I immediately began to pray for her by name.

When Wes and I began dating and early in our marriage, we decided to wait and talk about children after we'd been married for five years. Why five?  Who knows... we just picked five. Before the five years was up, I felt a tug in my heart to be a mom. I knew I was already in love with this baby that God was placing on my heart.

August 2012 after taking 35 (who is counting.. you know you did it, too) pregnancy test, I saw a faint double line. A blood test confirmed the ruling and a range of emotions entered my marriage. So much was going on in marriage at that time that I was completely unaware of. September 2012, I just knew something wasn't right. The bleeding started and the unexpected and devastating night that followed stills tears me up. Riding the waves of all assurances of family, friends, and doctors, that all would be well, we decided to try again.

October 2012 brought another set of double lines. This time our baby grew, and we heard a strong 127bpm heart rate. It was magical and exciting and terrifying. Every "what if" was constantly on my mind. We celebrated a wonderful holiday sharing the news of "baby Morehead" with our families. January 2013 at a routine check up there was no heart beat. People were scheduling procedures and telling me to go here and there and do this and that. All I heard was that my baby was dead. My friends brought me dinner while I tried to accept that yesterday I was pregnant and today I wasn't; yet; there was no baby to hold. It takes a minute for a brain to process that. Many years later, long after Harper was born.. I was watching TV and a lady was having an ultra sound. The tech couldn't find a heartbeat, and much to Wes' and Harper's surprise I hung my head and sobbed loudly. Two seconds later they heard the heartbeat, but the fear and grief of understanding that moment had already consumed me.

Wes and I decided to take the classes to foster a child and give our minds and bodies time to rest. June 2013 on the exact date of our last foster class certifying us to care for someone else's child, the double blue lines appeared again. Every single appointment was a nightmare. I was so afraid that every single one would be my last one. That I would not hear that beloved heart beat. I am forever grateful that nine months later, 3 days after her due date, the world met Harper Morehead. She is so much more than I ever imagined. I love her more than I ever dreamed.

But believe me when I tell you that if you are out there and your heart is hurting, I hear you. I don't know what God's plan is for you, but I believe he has one. I remember every time I saw a women announcing her pregnancy, I was secretly angry with her because "why wasn't that me?" So, if you are reading this and you have not been able to bring a baby home. Be angry with me, it is okay. You are okay. Your body is perfect. God's eyes and ways are beyond our understanding. Find people who will support you and love you and bring you dinners. God uses broken people, and he is going to use you to do great things!!!

Isaiah 55:8-9 English Standard Version (ESV)

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

The Beginning

In December 2006, nine months after our wedding date, I blogged the following post (below in italics). This post is dreamy and full of hope and love and laughter. It bleeds of the beginnings of a fairy tale. A fairy tale that I believed would lead me to happily ever after. Yes, I heard them say, "marriage is hard" and yes, I believed it was. Yes, I heard them say, "50% of marriages end in divorce." Yes, I heard them say, "the bills, sex, in-laws....." Yes, I believed it all.

Despite knowing that the devil would attack my marriage, I could never have expected how mighty the attack would be nor how the merciful grace of God would shine in all the dark places. I recently made a Facebook post about how suffering in my marriage has led me to a deep understanding of God's sovereignty. So many people responded with encouragement and understanding and an appreciation for the truth that I am inspired to share more of my story in hopes to shine God's light for others who may be walking in darkness. I have walked through the dark and in so many ways, I still am. Lets walk together and let's start at the beginning.

"For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it would come to light." Mark 4:22

"Westley Aaron Morehead was born in 1974 in south Mississippi. He had dark hair, dark eyes, and naturally tan skin. He was a good child who enjoyed pleasing others. He grew up with 4 siblings and learned to love music and play trombone. He dreamed of making $50, 000 being a teacher in the 80's and 90's when no teacher was making that kind of money. He moved to Indiana when he was in high school and marched Drum Corps. This eventually led him to New York where he performed on Broadway, played for the President of the United States, had his hair cut with Sinbad, tossed a few balls on the baseball field with the Fonz, and his cast and crew won a Tony. Eventually, he moved to Kosciusko, MS to teach band to children.

Amanda Brooke Ramage was born in 1981 in Kosciusko, MS. She had dark hair and dark eyes which eventually turned to auburn hair and hazel eyes. She was firecracker of a child. She loved getting her way and would go to certain lengths to get it. She really wanted someone to play with, but when her twin sisters were born, she wanted to send them back. She loved Carol Burnett, Strawberry Shortcake, Cabbage Patch Kids, and Rainbow Bright. She wanted to make it into the classroom history book by becoming the first women president. She tried playing the clarinet, but it interfered too much with her social life, so she quit. Thanks to a good friend, she got a part-time job at the public library during college. This job eventually turned into a department head position. She bought her first house in 2003 at the age of 22. In August 2004, Brooke was informed that a band director from the junior high school would be coming over to the library to introduce himself to her.

First and foremost, Brooke did not believe that anyone in their right mind was going to walk across the street and introduce them self to her. Second, she was not sure that she wanted a "band geek" to be the person who did just that. (Remember she dropped out of band for her social life). Well, through hear say of several junior high students (these people can always be trusted, right?), Brooke decided to do a little Internet search on this junior high band director named Wes Morehead. 

As Brooke had suspected, no one was going to prance over to the library and introduce themselves to a complete stranger. Wes did some investigating of his own on this Marion Librarian chick. His detailed investigation involved finding her composite photo on the walls of the KHS commons. This outdated photo proved useful enough.

On an unsuspecting day, Wes Morehead stopped by the library to meet Brooke Ramage. He was wearing a pink shirt and a huge smile. After what Brooke thought was an unusual hand shake of, "Wes Morehead, damn glad to meet to ya", the two exchanged numbers, and Wes promised to call the next week. Something about this encounter struck Brooke as funny, and she found herself chuckling as he walked out of her office.

TO BE CONTINUED......"